How to Wear Jeans as God Commands: 6 Blissful Rules

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Always wear a cashmere sweater directly on your skin.

 

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We owe the invention of modern Jeans to a Jewish duo, an Ashkenazy Businessman of German origins and a Latvian tailor, to be precise. Löb Strauß and Jākobs Jufess are better known as Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis, nowadays.

Yet, 144 years ago, in San Francisco, during the era of the Gold Rush, Strauss and Davis came out with a terrific idea: they were going to make money out of a pair of sturdy pants made of denim cloth. Davis was a practical man: good, old-fashioned American pragmatism used to run in his veins. For a living, he made useful things for gold diggers out of denim cloth that he would buy from Strauss’ dry goods store. Things like wagon covers, for example, or tents.

The legend of the Levi’s Jeans began when one very manly hard-worker asked Davis to make a pair of sturdy trousers that could withstand anything. That’s the reason why there are copper rivets on your Jeans.

By the way, the word “Jeans” means “Genoa” in French (Gênes). Why Genoa? Well, that’s where cotton corduroy fabric was manufactured, back in the good-old days.

Jeans are made of Dungaree fabric or Denim. The diagonal ribbing is obtained by passing the weft under two, or more, warp threads. This type of fabric pattern is called “twill weave”. The reason why Jeans are usually of fading indigo color is because the warp thread is dyed, while the weft thread isn’t. But if you are a nerd and what concerns you is the technical aspect of the Jeans fabric, instead of its usage, just click on the links that I have provided and you’ll be satisfied. No need to go further.

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Rivets: I love them.

Normal people can instead continue reading, while I explain to you how to wear Jeans as God Commands and talk about the 6 blissful rules mentioned in the title.

Rule # 1The Clarkson Effect: I’m quoting the Telegraph here: “Sales of the denim trousers, a wardrobe essential for much of the 1980s and 1990s, took a dive in 1997 because middle-aged wearers such as the television presenter Clarkson made them seem unhip.”

For those of you who don’t know who Jeremy Clarkson is: stop reading right now and goodbye. For normal people, the point is clear: you can’t wear Jeans if you are older than 40. So, sorry: dress your age, mister!

Rule# 2You can’t wear distressed jeans with cuts on the knees or anywhere else. No, I’m sorry: you can’t. No seriously. This is called the “Raggi effect”. Virginia Raggi, the worst mayor of all times, was once seen wearing jeans with cuts on the knees during an official meeting. Rome has seen better times indeed. (I’m not linking her name because it stinks).

Rule#3You can’t wear black Jeans. Black tourers are bad enough, but black jeans are even worse. Stay the hell away from them. This is what the Lord says about wearing black Jeans: “And if ye walk with black dungarees and will not hearken unto me; I will bring seven times more plagues upon you, according to your sins. I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children, and destroy your smartphones, and make you few in number. I will also break the USB readers of your car stereo and your Highways shall be desolate. ” Leviticus, 26:21,22 (KJV) Got it?

Rule#4The darker the blue, the more formal the Jeans. In theory, you should not wear light blue Jeans if you’re past the age of 25. But if they aren’t distressed, or if the cut isn’t particularly skinny, you can possibly pull them off, provided you are in very good shape and your legs are straight and long enough. Sorry, Hobbits: you don’t look great in Jeans.

Rule#5The simpler the cut, the more formal the Jeans. Skinnier Jeans are less formal than regular Jeans. As you know, I normally do not advice to follow fashion. Yet, sometimes fashion gets it right. Let’s avoid bell-bottoms legs AT ALL COSTS. Let’s refer to the word of the Lord our God again. This is what Jehovah commanded regarding bell-bottom jeans: “And they shall nor more wear bell-bottom dungarees, or offer sacrifices unto flower children, after whom they have gone a whoring. This shall be a statute for ever unto them, throughout their generations.” Leviticus 17:7 (KJV) Verstandest du? Tu compris? Entiendes? Capisc? Do you understand?

Rule#6Pair your jeans with the right shoes, shirts, and jackets. Don’t wear Oxfords on a pair of distressed, light blue Jeans: it simply doesn’t work, it will make you look ridiculous. Don’t wear a jacket over light blue jeans either, for the same reason. Also, avoid denim shirts when you are wearing blue jeans. At times, my Instagram feed has been invaded by posts which portrayed guys wearing blue denim shirts over blue jeans of the same hue!

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What are you staring at!?
Some think that a true gentleman should not wear Jeans, but I disagree. Jeans have been invented by two hustlers in America and they are sturdy and versatile. A Gentleman, sometimes, needs a pair of sturdy pants too.
CHECK OUT OTHER JEANS OUTFITS HERE AND HERE
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Let’s be honest: you need to get in shape, otherwise, it doesn’t matter how you are dressed, you’ll always look bad.
Rules are not sufficient, though. It’s easy to say what you can’t do. So, I’ll give some examples of what you can do with the most popular sorts of Jeans.I’ll also go from the bottom up: I’ll give you three examples on how to combine three different outfits with three different pairs of Jeans, starting from the most casual (and less formal) combination, passing from the middle-way and finishing with the most formal outfit.
In the first picture you see me wearing a pair of Blend, skinny, light blue, distressed Jeans, under a Hunt’s Gallery cashmere sweater the color of Plum (HEX #D998D2), a gray driving cap made of cotton with a madras pattern, and Blend white sneakers. All these items are courtesy of Mosca ’54. The wristwatch is a vintage Swatch Chrono.
The second outfit is a little bit more complicated and much more formal. Here you see me wearing a pair of Wranglers of slightly darker blue and a more traditional cut. The white shirt is from Mosca ’54, the Preppy style necktie is from the Tie Shop Rome, the driving cap is from Spada Roma, the vintage wool vest if from Gucci and the golf Spectators are a pair of Lumberjacks. The wristwatch here is a much more serious Eberhard Chrono4.
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This vest you see here is a little treasure, a vintage Gucci! The Madras pattern is lovely, I find it so preppy! Therefore I used a preppy silk necktie to go with it. I think everybody should own at least a pair of Spectator shoes. These ones are in leather and canvas.
The third outfit is also the most formal. Now the Jeans (Levi’s) are dark blue, I’m wearing a  green sports jacket in cotton by Gutteridge (nothing fancy), a pink, button-down shirt by Marcus, an ascot tie made in silk by the Tie Shop Rome (notice the paisley patterns are also pink), and a pair of Melluso derbies with red shoelaces. The Tyrolean hat by OVS is made of canvas. The gradient sunglasses are by Oliver Peoples, the wristwatch is, once again, the vintage Swatch Chrono. The silk pocket square is also by the Tie Shop Rome.
Now that you have learned the 6 blissful rules on how to wear jeans as God commands, please respect them. Also, if you think this post was useful, it’ll be great if you could share it with your friends! I’m on a mission here: do, please, help me to spread the gospel of gentlemen. I would truly appreciate it!
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If you ever get a pair of traditional Levi’s in dark blue (these ones are 511), make sure they fit you correctly, not too tight, not too loose. Also, the leg should be of the right length: not too long, not too short. A regular fit is more appropriate for these sorts of Jeans, especially if you are wearing a jacket and a pair of leather shoes.

Salva

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Published by

Andrea Loquenzi Holzer

The truth will set you free

5 thoughts on “How to Wear Jeans as God Commands: 6 Blissful Rules

  1. Fudge, fudge, fudge, I have a problem here! I am over 40 and I still wear jeans, and I also have blue light jeans! I will be brought never-ending plagues! 🙂
    Seriously now: great post, as usual. The text is witty af and the pictures are perfect!
    Jeans definitely suit you very well.
    Much love from Paris, dear Andrea!

    Like

    1. Haha, Caroline! Nice comment! Thanks! You should now that my rules for males don’t really apply to women! 🙂 Women can basically do whatever they want. Besides that, you don’t really need any tips on how to dress! Thank you again and I send you a hug from this ancient, dusty city!

      Like

  2. For most people, the jeans are always in trend even the element of fashion is always changing. Flare, loons, bell-bottoms and skinny jeans alternate with each other. But no matter how the shape of jeans, the color is important as you said. By the way, I like your vintage Swatch Chrono wristwatch it looks great.

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    1. Thanks for the taking the time to read the article (or watch the video) and commenting, I really appreciate it! Oh! And I agree with you: the swing of fashion never stops. In fact, I usually discourage men from following fashion and I incourage them to follow style instead. That’s why I also advice them to stay away from bell bottoms legs and super skinny jeans with cuts on their knees. Glad you agree with me about the fact that the color is important! Indeed, it is! Do you happen to have a blog? When I follow the link for “amoylily.com” it takes me to a blank “Go Daddy” page…

      Like

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